i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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