cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I need to align my fucking chakras
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
