Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Randomize
