so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
