his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize