How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
