i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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