I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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