mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
The air was thick with penises
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
