He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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