I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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