i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
