i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
