I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
