i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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