Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize
