I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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