it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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