So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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