You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
