3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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