There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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