Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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