His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
