sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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