She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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