from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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