I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
