Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
