You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Randomize
