I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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