dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
