I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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