I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
