omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
