Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
