Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
