I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
