I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
