Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
