your parents love me but you hate me
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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