if i can run in heels then i can drive
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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