mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize