How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
