I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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