Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
