i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
