You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
