I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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