My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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