girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
