Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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