I don't usually arrange sex via text message
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I stole a fireplace last night.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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