Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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