I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
