did you get engaged???
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
