I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize