just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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