I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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