But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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